SENSATIONAL SEASONAL SALUTATIONS AND SANGUINE SIMPLICITY this month. A simple salute from a simple somebody with a simple suggestion and a simple story to share. The simple salute is to welcome you once again to the weird and sometimes whacky world of CRAVE Vintage Guitars (or CVG – a new acronym for short! NB. Nothing to do with the 3‑letter Airport Code for Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport). The simple suggestion is an urgent restatement to respect and protect our shared home planet as well as to inject some much‑needed humanity into our fracturing civilisation. The simple story, which will unfold in due course, is a return to a realm of familiar fanciful fun and further fabricated frivolity (with just a simple soupçon of audaciously absurd alliteration, always).
Prelude
So, without further ado, we shall progress on to the simple story. There is not a lot about vintage guitars this month. Instead, the subject matter will return to focus on the simple founder, frontman and heralded hero of CRAVE Guitars. You have met him before and now he’s back for more. I am talking about the one and only The CRAVEman. He may be a simple soul but he has a keen sense of integrity, humility, morals, ethics, valour and an unfailing commitment to nurturing his nascent cherished community. What a guy! Perhaps this article should be called ‘The Awesome Adventures of The CRAVEman’. Seriously though, what’s not to like?
However, I do recognise that this sort of fictional fable may not be to everyone’s taste, so no grudges will be sustained should you wish to defer allocating your intellect to other matters this month and come back when there is something a little more, well, factual and grounded. Not much in the way of tortuous narrative this month; but lots of images for your diligent delectation.
“I cannot say who, precisely, came up with the idea of a Stone Age family” – Joseph Barbera (1911‑2006)
Previously on ‘The CRAVEman Cometh’
You may recall, back in July 2025, that ‘el jefe’ and nom de guerre of CRAVE Guitars was revealed to world in ‘The CRAVEman Cometh’ If you want to revisit his introduction and early exploits, follow the link below (opens in a new tab).
Due to popular demand (well, predominantly my own tbh), I have decided that The CRAVEman deserved a second outing to build on the mythology and to expand on the CRAVEworld (it doesn’t warrant a CRAVEverse yet because, well, he’s a stone age relic isn’t he?). It is here that he strives to eke out an existence within his small semi‑nomadic group while, at the same time, seeking to advance his musical aspirations. I hope you enjoy spending some light‑hearted time with the laudable leader and Rock Guitar God of his prehistoric people.
Full disclosure, the original images for this article were produced using AI and edited (I won’t claim ‘enhanced’) by me. There are a lot of inconsistencies and visual errors that have been left intentionally untouched. The reason for this is twofold. The first is to highlight that AI still has a very long way to go before its outputs can be regarded as genuinely credible. The second is that the faults actually add some fun ‘spot the mistakes’ and continuity flops (as well as, arguably, some peculiar, anomalous charm) to the ridiculous falsity of the whole product. What I will say is that, if creative AI tools weren’t available as a means to an end, there would be no adventures of the The CRAVEman.
Regular readers will know about my observations and opinions on the evolution and utility of AI, highlighting the potential benefits and significant risks of the fledgling technology. This is not the place to reiterate those views. Let’s face it, The CRAVEman is about as artificial as can be, so what’s the harm in representing him artificially through a bit of reflexive irony and satire? Given the evidence presented below, I recommend that you make up your own mind about the divisive worth of AI, past, present and future.
As ever, though, the words are 100% human with no AI intervention whatsoever. I still need to control something. As with the previous prehistoric expedition, a substantial suspension of disbelief is an absolute prerequisite for your investment to be repaid. I must stress that this tawdry tale and imaginary interlude is for entertainment purposes only. There are no serious real‑world insights whatsoever, just rampant ridiculous unreality. Do not try this at home, folks!
“The latest refinements of science are linked with the cruelties of the Stone Age” – Winston Churchill (1874‑1965)
Welcome to CRAVEland (Geography of The CRAVEman’s Domain)
Last time around, we followed The CRAVEman on his adventures in his tribe’s territory. This month, it is time to explore quite what that territory is and why it is so important to his community’s social culture and wellbeing. The clan is essentially a co‑operative with only informal leadership and followers providing any sort of class structure. You may recognise some of the characteristics from The CRAVEman’s previous adventures.
The CRAVEman’s world is located in a Stone Age cool temperate climate generally characterised by warm summers and mild winters with moderate rainfall throughout the year. Temperate regions are found between the tropics and the polar regions. Depending on how far north (or south) one goes, temperate climates are divided into warm temperate and cool temperate regions.
The CRAVEman, along with his compatriots live in a small commune unsurprisingly called CRAVE Town in a region known as CRAVEland. CRAVE Town comprises a group of humble caves situated at the foot of a small but significant mountain range. His hunting grounds include not only the mountains but also the forest, grassland, rivers and sea. All in all, CRAVE Town is a great place for a tribal community to settle, survive and thrive with many natural resources close at hand, such as shelter, security and access to abundant food and water.
There are few serious dangers to impact on the tribe’s wellbeing and prosperity. Wild animals and competing neighbouring tribes from the other side of the mountain range result in occasional risks to their livelihood but, on the whole, peace prevails.
To all intents and purposes, the extent of The CRAVEman’s realm is as far as his tribe can travel and return home safely, resulting in a natural boundary to his domain. Being a simple chap, he doesn’t spend too much time pondering on what might lie beyond the edge of his realm or even further afield.
“Stone Age. Bronze Age. Iron Age. We define entire epics of humanity by the technology they use” – Reed Hastings (1960‑)
The Latest ‘Adventures’ of The CRAVEman
Like last time, there is some sort of story behind the images. Like last time, I’m not going to spoon feed you with any sort of plot. Like last time, I’ll give a hint about his adventures through short captions for each image. You can take that as it comes or you can create your own storyboard and use your imagination to craft your own version of The CRAVEman’s cracking capers. It’s much more fun that way.
I grew up with comic books, manga, comic strips and cartoon stories – everything from Krazy Kat, Peanuts, Garfield, Calvin & Hobbes, Tin Tin, Asterix The Gaul, The early X‑Men, Thor, The Fantastic Four, Spider‑Man, Captain America, Hulk, Dr. Strange, Vampirella, Watchmen, Judge Dredd, V For Vendetta, Maus, Wonder Woman, Superman and my personal favourite, Batman (the darker the better), amongst many others. The diversity of content fired my imagination and inspired my alternative view of the world, albeit somewhat fantastical and a sanctuary from the cruel reality of everyday human existence. It is in that spirit of conjuring fanciful flights of fantasy that I’m alluding to when suggesting that it’s up to you to put your own slant on proceedings. Take it where you want and immerse yourself in his latest experiences.
Guitar Maintenance Time – The CRAVEman giving one of his CRAVE Guitars some essential TLC before it is put to some serious band use with rehearsals and gigs coming up.
Cave Wall Painting – The CRAVEman trying to document and preserved the images of prehistoric CRAVE Guitars for future generations. It is kinda his guitar collection database.
Stone Age Graffiti – The CRAVEman viewing some local graffiti done by some local yoofs on a rock face near CRAVE Town. While not showing outward approval, he kinda digs that his influence is having an effect on the next generation.
CRAVE Guitars Exhibition Time – One of The CRAVEman’s close friends acting as an exhibition curator, showing off some CRAVE Guitars in the hope of inspiring others to take up the cause.
Band Song Writing – The CRAVEman doesn’t rest on his laurels or past hits. He needs to get down and concentrate hard on some serious new song writing for his band and solo projects.
Shopping for New CRAVE Guitars – The CRAVEman suffers from G.A.S. (Gear Acquisition Syndrome) just like his modern counterparts. He travels far and wide to nearby markets to look for new guitars to add to his collection. A prehistoric guitar shop, if you will.
Stone Age Social Media – The CRAVEman needs to promote and market his band’s image, so he sets about some prehistoric ‘social media’ posts. He has to use a clay tablet so that he can spread the word and follow the band.
Pre-Gig Arrangements – The CRAVEman has a drink at the CRAVEpub before his band plays a big gig at the venue. The barman is also a friend and part‑time band manager, event organiser, as well as venue owner, so it’s an important meeting.
Pre-Gig Chat Up – The CRAVEman meeting a couple of CRAVEgirls at the CRAVEpub, getting to know some of his fans and potential future groupies. Times haven’t changed much over the millennia.
The BIG CRAVE Gig – The CRAVEman’s band – The CRAVEband (what else?) – plays a big rock gig at the CRAVEpub in front of many fans, not just his tribe but also from neighbouring friendly ones.
The Gig After Party – In order to capitalise on the big rock gig, the pub landlord also arranged a post-gig music club after party with lots of frivolity and fun for his customers and to celebrate a successful performance by The CRAVEband.
Solo Rehearsal – Not only does The CRAVEman play with The CRAVEband, he likes to rehearse some solo material and engage in a bit of rock music head banging, just for fun and to let his hair down.
Battle of the Stone Age Rock Bands – The CRAVEband isn’t the only rock band in CRAVEland. There are several up‑and‑coming competitors. The landlord of the CRAVEpub organised a ‘Battle of the Bands’ event to celebrate local music talent.
Guitar Lessons – The CRAVEman knows that the future of rock music relies on the next generations taking up his passion. So The CRAVEman also takes time to teach the local CRAVEkids how to play guitar and keep the vibrant scene going.
Family Rock Jam Time – The CRAVEman’s old man drops into the CRAVEcave for a jam session with his son, proving that The CRAVEman is a chip off the old rock.
Chillout Time – After all the community fun playing with The CRAVEband at the CRAVEpub, the after party and the battle of the Stone Age rock bands, The CRAVEman needs some reflection time with his loyal canine buddy, The CRAVEdog, while noodling on his guitar for relaxation.
Outdoor Guitar Practice – On fair days, The CRAVEman likes to sit outside his CRAVEcave and enjoy the clement weather while also taking the opportunity to engage in a bit of idle guitar practice to lift his spirits.
Admiring The CRAVEman’s Guitar Collection – Also on good days, he likes to get his impressive collection of CRAVE Guitars out, set them up outside his CRAVEcave and admire them for what they are, great prehistoric rock guitars. He’s also thinking about what his next CRAVE Guitar might be.
Prayers at the Altar of Rock Guitars – Before retiring for the night, The CRAVEman knows just how privileged he is in his community role and feels obliged to pray to the venerable Rock Gods for his own and his tribe’s good fortune and prosperity.
Time to Settle Down – Coming up to The CRAVEman’s bedtime, he relaxes with his CRAVEdog and does a bit of noodling before retiring at the end of the day to snooze and dream of Rock Godness.
“Ordinary language embodies the metaphysics of the Stone Age” – J.L. Austin (1911‑1960)
Final Thoughts on the Latest Adventures of The CRAVEman
Well, that’s it for now. The CRAVEman has exited stage right and is taking a well‑deserved rest after his latest escapades. Given the season, it is time for his annual hibernation until springtime. However, when I interviewed me, my alter‑ego confided in me (Ed: that’s a disturbing internal dialogue) that he would like to return. As Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947‑) as the T800 cyborg assassin stated in the film, ‘The Terminator’ (1984), “I’ll be back”. Keep your precious peepers peeled for the possibility of further exploits of your favourite Stone Age Rock God! What a non‑living legend!
There is no protracted pretentious pontification for a welcome change this month. No opinion, just a momentary pause in proceedings to reflect on the puerile panoply of prehistoric pictograms.
Finally, The CRAVEman wishes everyone a great start to the Happy Holidays season from Thanksgiving through Christmas to New Year. Have an exceptional time everyone. Here’s The CRAVEman’s Thanksgiving celebration portrait…
“Welcome out of the cave, my friend. It’s a bit colder out here, but the stars are just beautiful” – Plato (c.427‑347BCE)
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Album of the Month’
Sticking with the Stone Age Rock theme of this month’s article, I’m going back a bit to the heyday of British rock. Appropriately, this month’s accolade goes to…
Deep Purple – Deep Purple In Rock (1970): ‘In Rock’ (for short) was English rock band Deep Purple’s 4th studio album released in June 1970 on the Harvest record label, comprising only seven tracks covering just 44 minutes. The band’s line up at the time was the classic ‘mark II’ membership (Ian Gillan, Ritchie Blackmore, Roger Glover, Jon Lord and Ian Paice). Classic tracks on the album include, ‘Speed King’ and ‘Child In Time’. At the same time as the album, Deep Purple released their complementary classic breakout hit single, ‘Black Knight’ (1970), even though it didn’t appear on the original LP track list.
Deep Purple were on a roll in the early 1970s with subsequent albums such as, ‘Fireball’ (1971), ‘Machine Head’ (1972) and ‘Burn’ (1974). I don’t want to get into the heated debate about what genre this album represents. Some call it heavy metal (it isn’t), some call it classic rock (only in retrospect; at the time it was just rock), some call it hard rock (ditto) or perhaps it is just… rock (probably most apposite). Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, it was great pioneering rock produced during a prolific and innovative period in British and American music. It’s not my personal favourite Deep Purple album; that would be ‘Made In Japan’ (1972). However, ‘In Rock’ is a great album by a massively influential band at the time and it fits the bill for this particular article very nicely. It also showcases the band members’ prodigious musical talents, not least the guitar pyrotechnics of Ritchie Blackmore.
BELIEVE IN MUSIC!
“Maybe when all was said and done, the imagination was the most powerful of all weapons. It was the imagination of the human race that had allowed it to dream of a life beyond cold caves and of a possible future in the stars” – Dean Koontz (1945‑)
Tailpiece
So, my veritable virtual visitors, the time has come for The CRAVEman (and me, in my multiple personality disorder duties) to bid you a flippant fond farewell, at least for the time being. I have a funny feeling that the modern world has not seen the last of The CRAVEman. Watch this space.
Next month’s outpouring is very likely to be a predictable end‑of‑year‑review article, so not too demanding on the real stupidity (as opposed to artificial intelligence) front. Fare thee well from the newly titled CVG, fine friends.
Truth, peace, love, and guitar music be with you always. The CRAVEman, signing off for now. Until next time…
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Quote of the Month’: “What you will know tomorrow is an accumulation of what you’ve known every day before”
HEYYY, YO, WASSUP, HI Y’ALL, G’DAY, SALUTATIONS, howdy‑doody, henlo, aloha, Namaste, how’s it hangin’, salut, top o’ the morning, salaam, hey there, ahoy, ‘ello, ciao, greetings, etc. One hopes you’re all chipper this late August 2025 (NB. The first documented use of the noun ‘chipper’, meaning upbeat and cheerful, is from the ‘Boke of Keruynge’ (1508) – The Book of Carving – by publisher Wynkyn de Worde, a Tudor handbook for how to behave at court). Nowt to do with contemporary man‑eating wood chippers a la the film, ‘Fargo’ (1996) or even, ‘Tucker & Dale Vs Evil’ (2010)! I digress, as usual. Good to know some things never change. I bid you welcome, once more.
I was tempted to rant on (again) about the dire state of global politics and conflicts. However, I felt another polemic could disproportionately and negatively affect the overall tone of the article, so I will refrain. Regular readers will already know my views, so there is little to be gained from restating them here (again). Peace & Love, people.
This month’s article bears no direct relation to last month’s introduction of ‘The CRAVEman Cometh’ spinoff. However, there is a tenuous parallel in the pure imaginary creations of the contorted cavities of CRAVEs creative cerebellum. The subject matter this month is not entirely new but it is an expansion of previously hinted at material. It is also only tangentially relevant to vintage guitars, which means I am continuing on a fictional summer sabbatical at CRAVE Guitars for the second month running. Apologies to vintage guitar aficionados.
For this article, I return to the subject of the draft novel, ‘The Distortion Diaries’. Given that the potential book is the focus of this article, there deserves to be quite a bit of new material to explore. Expect a plentiful portion of pompous prose.
“For aren’t memories the true ghosts of our lives?” – Stephen King (1947)
Previously… on ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Several times now, I have intimated in the public domain that there was the potential for a fictional vanity side project. This was first implied at, way back in December 2023. At that time I wrote… “I felt an irresistible urge to write a fiction novel. Its status is currently work‑in‑progress. It will be called, ‘The Distortion Diaries’ (remember, you read it here first).” So, here we are, some 20 months on and the evolution of the tome is probably best be described as slow but steady.
However, while the novel has been referenced in subsequent articles, it has not yet been the main focus of a blog. So, I thought this month I would set the matter straight and take another brief diversion from the world of vintage guitars and put this long‑gestating idea centre stage. Why? Because I can.
In order to give the book’s narrative a bit more authenticity, I embarked on writing my own journal (well over 600 days into the real thing and counting). While there are some notable differences between a journal and a diary, ‘The Distortion Journals’ doesn’t have an alliterative ring to it (and you know how much I like to alliterate). The process of writing about events and random thoughts on a daily basis gives a valuable insight into the fictional diary of the novel’s main character. The rhythm, reflection and routine of writing the real thing helps with the introspective compositional style of the fabricated story. Very method! Pretentious? Most probably but not deliberately.
Back in 2023, I was very used to writing in various forms but, as I quickly found out, a fiction novel is a completely different proposition. Everything I had learned counted for very little. After an intense period of inexperienced book writing during the first half of 2024, the first draft had been completed, if not finished (there is a subtle difference). Then things were put on hold for a considerable period due to other things going on in ordinary life that took priority over writing. It was in October 2024 that I took the bold step to reveal the idea as part of the monthly article published that month. If you want to revisit that article as a preamble to this month’s update, click on the link below (opens in a new tab). In fact, I would recommend reading the relevant part of that blog in order for the rest of this article to make sense, as I don’t want to repeat material from 10 months ago here, unless absolutely necessary for coherency.
For once, all this month’s quotes from here on in are not attributed to real people. Rather they are some of the main character’s observations about life. They may or may not make the cut for the finished product. He likes to think he is wise but an innate creative conceit may mask fallible foolishness. You decide.
In order to make a little bit more time for writing the novel, rather than write about writing the novel, I will try to keep this relatively brief (for me).
“Humans are hopelessly self-destructive. No matter how hard we try, we are addicted to those things that will ultimately destroy us” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
Brief Update on ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Back in October 2024, I suggested that the author’s real name will not be used if the novel ever gets published. Instead, it will be credited to a pseudonym. The nom de plume (NB. literal French for ‘pen name’) has been carefully selected to conceal my identity, gender, location and genre. I am reluctant to reveal my unique pseudonym at this time in case someone else appropriates it before publication. Paranoid? Me?
In last month’s article, I introduced the front man for CRAVE Guitars, The CRAVEman. The objective for CRAVE Guitars is that it is the instruments that deserve the attention, not the proprietor, hence the alter ego. The same applies for The Distortion Diaries – it is the fictional characters that should have all the attention, not the author. In case you were wondering, the book will not be credited to The CRAVEman, although I must admit that I was tempted for a very short moment. Given that his vocabulary extends only as far as “Grunt!”, it didn’t seem appropriate for authorship.
Even though I am writing about it here, my intention is to ensure that CRAVE Guitars and The Distortion Diaries are discrete entities and fully independent of each other, if only to preserve the integrity of both, hence my diffident anonymity. I do not care for either fame or fortune. I just want to be the best me that I can be (d’ya follow?) and that means making CRAVE Guitars and The Distortion Diaries as successful as they can be, even if that success is measured only by the unassertive existence of both, irrespective of me (the only common denominator between the two).
“What mysteries lie in the names we are given? How would our lives be different under another name, another identity?” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The book’s cover art has also been prepared in early draft and not finalised. Last time I wrote on the subject, the main narrative was just a standard Microsoft Word document (for functional convenience). The fonts have been chosen, the layout firmed up and the whole thing has now been reformatted in book form. These are all minor but essential administrative tasks.
Artificial Intelligence (AI) has NOT been used in any way for the book’s text – it is 100% my work, for good or bad. For once, though, I concede that AI has been used to prepare the basis for some of the draft images for The Distortion Diaries. Furthermore, AI did not produce the final images, just as a basis for further graphic manipulation. Whether the AI artwork makes it to the final product, we’ll have to wait and see.
So what has or hasn’t changed since October 2024? Fundamentally, not a lot. Sigh. Progress has, however, been made. If it hadn’t, there would be little point in writing this article. Enough expositional preamble. To business…
“The abundance of social company does not prevent the aching loneliness of the individual without a Girlfriend” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The Main Premise of ‘The Distortion Diaries’
As a reminder, having said that I don’t want to repeat the October 2024 article, the synopsis is an exception to that particular rule. To reiterate, the summary was (and still is):
“The Distortion Diaries
Terry plays in a band. He doesn’t have a Girlfriend. He hasn’t had a Girlfriend for some time. Terry has a dreary job in IT. He lives alone with his feline overlord. One day, Terry decides to document his wretched existence in a journal. Rather than the journal reflecting and recording Terry’s lacklustre life, the journal begins to change it. A Lot. Is Terry’s life pre‑determined by fate or is his destiny in his own hands? Only his journal knows.
Based on a false story”
The synopsis remains relevant and unchanged (bar one word), even after a long period of reflection and having survived its first serious edit in April‑May this year (2025). That alone, is encouraging – that the original core idea remains largely unaffected. Thank goodness for small mercies.
I suggested in last year’s article that the book’s genre leaning is “a rom-sex-com-music-bio-mystery-drama-thriller-fantasy about contemporary man’s eternally favourite tripartite – sex, drugs and rock & roll”. Like the synopsis, that also remains unchanged. It is definitely not one for the politically correct woke crowd out there. I reserve the right to express free speech. Don’t agree with it, go read something else.
That’s really all you need to know at the moment. On the surface, the premise seems straightforward enough (a coming‑of‑middle‑age drama) and the structure (a chronological record) is a well‑worn story telling mechanism. So if the proposition and arrangement are (admittedly) clichéd, why bother? What makes this special or different? Why should it stand out from every other decidedly dreary ‘dear diary’ diatribe? Well, it’s the execution of the plot that I hope will entice, amuse, surprise and satisfy.
“I don’t want to be a character in a story, I want to be the storyteller” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The Main Characters of ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Essentially, the concept revolves around eight individuals living in a fair sized town in the English West Country with the nearest large city being Bristol. The time period covered in the novel is 200 days over the summer of 2012.
The main character, as mentioned above, is Terence Wilder, aged 32. Wilder by name, not by nature. He is an IT specialist working in a dead end job for an anonymous company. Music is Terry’s major motivation in the absence of anything profoundly diverting – like a Girlfriend. He knows that something has to change, so he decides to start recording his life and thoughts in the titular diary. It is only a small change of routine but one that has major repercussions for Terry and those around him.
Terry is a founding member and guitarist with his band called The Imaginary Transtemporal Affair (TITA for short). The band’s name deriving loosely from a line in ‘The Peripheral’ (2014), a novel by ‘cyberpunk’ author, William Gibson (1948‑). The band has been together for a while and the bonds between the members is strong. Terry’s band mates are Xavier (guitar), Hector (bass) and John (drums). The band eschews the easy route of a cover or tribute band and battles with integrity to make their own multi‑/cross‑genre musical style they call HMSPGSALFGGSR (for short!) – you’ll have to read the full narrative to know what it stands for. Their debut studio album, ‘TITA Om Fyah’ is in incubation, as of 2012 (see ‘album of the month’ below).
“I thought of going full mullet. However, I don’t think it would be a good strategy for attracting a Girlfriend” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The other three main characters provide the gender counterpoint to the band and, possibly, the catalyst for change. They are Olivia, Dakota and Alley. If you spotted that that only totals seven, you win a gold star. The eighth key character is Terry’s possibly supernatural ginger comrade and confidante, Kwat with whom Terry shares those things he can’t divulge to other humans. If you haven’t already guessed, Terry is Kwat’s human. Kwat exercises total dominion over Terry, just as it should be in the natural order of things.
After undertaking an in‑depth deep FBI‑style psychological analysis of the main characters, I can share with you a detailed profile of each of them. Apologies that the descriptions are so lengthy – these are inherently complex people:
Terry – unexceptional
Xavier – ambitious
Hector – debauched
John – mellow
Olivia – introverted
Dakota – intense
Alley – promiscuous
Kwat – numinous
OK, so I lied. Sue me. If you want to know more about them, then you’ll just have to wait. Soz. The dynamic interplay between these eight and the tertiary cast provide the core foundation of the yarn. You may get to like them. To say any more at this stage would be to provide too much of an insight into the concept and to render the actual narrative moot. Again, I want to tease you and dangle bait on a proverbial hook, not give everything away for nothing.
That’s really all I want you to know at the moment. The only other miniscule hint I will give away is that I will be manipulating the reader intentionally to subvert expectations (hopefully). All may or may not be what it seems. Beneath the surface, the tale could provide a profound existential observation, it all depends on how you want to approach it.
“I don’t want to be famous, I want to be good” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The Plot of ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Nah! Not a chance! For the actual details of the storyline, you’ll have to wait and see when it’s completed and, hopefully, published. In the meantime, I will have to keep you on tenterhooks (NB. Not the literal meaning – hooks used to fasten cloth on a drying frame, called a tenter – dates from c.1633. The metaphorical meaning applies – to be in a state of uncomfortable suspense, anticipation or impatience). Let’s hope it will be worth the long wait.
Funnily enough, the conclusion of the story came easily, early on in the process, so I didn’t have to try too hard to fabricate a ham‑fisted finale. Maybe I’m not clever enough to pull off a successful denouement but one has to try, hopefully not in vain.
“Life is not a loser competition” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
Some brief excerpts from ‘The Distortion Diaries’
A special treat for you. The following three brief extracts were taken from relatively early in Terry’s journal entries. I don’t pretend that these are representative, they are just passages taken at sort of random. Due to liberal profanity and potential spoilers, there wasn’t that much that could be used in this article. I hope, though, that you get a sense of the style. Please bear in mind that these are from the first post‑edit draft and may well change (considerably) by the time the completed novel has been put to bed. After this article has been published, I intend to focus on the next substantial edit.
Excerpt from Day 1:
“Nothing happened today. Nothing is going to happen today. Nothing always does. This is my life. My real life. Not some made up life. Well, my life from today onwards. For however long that may be. The future has to start sometime and this journal will testify to my part in it. It is MY unique account, not anyone else’s. What went before is undocumented, available only from a fragile memory residing somewhere between then and the here and now.
This story is my mediocre, futile and fleeting folly of a presence on this small sapphire sphere floating in infinite black nothingness, with just our small saffron sun to warm and illuminate our existence. The 30 trillion or so cells that represent my entire body occupy an infinitesimally small place on this infinitesimally small space pebble.
…
“Hello Diary” (there, major cliché dispensed with). I bought you a few months ago, intending to fill your vacant leaves with exciting and interesting news about my run‑of‑the‑mill, mediocre life, mixed with the inevitable moments of whimsy, melancholy and pathos. Add oodles of hopefully hilarious humour. Ha‑ha. Don’t forget the counterpoint of joy, that of inevitable tragedy. I wouldn’t be into music if I wasn’t one of those sensitive animals with a severely damaged heart that pours their emotional baggage into the waiting cup of enchanted music.
It’s taken a while to get around to this because, well, that’s just me. I take time to get around to things. It’s not like I’m a professional procrastinator. Honest. I may dawdle a little on occasion but that can conceivably also be a virtue. Possibly.
‘They’ say the best things come to those that wait. That, of course, is bollocks. The best things come to those that go out and grab the great stuff first. The derisory dregs of detritus get left behind for the likes of me, one of the ones that wait. Adult real life, it has to be said, has turned out to be a big disappointment after the false promises of youthful expectation.”
Excerpt from Day 19:
“It was with irrational anticipation that I crawled out of bed feeling decidedly enervated in the outlandish world that is pre‑noon on a werkend. Why? The vain hope of seeing or even meeting the attractive young Lady I sort of ‘encountered’ at Everwax Records last week. As the veil of consciousness lifted, I became increasingly alert, as unheralded adrenalin flowed through my bloodstream. My pulse accelerated, my pupils dilated, my skin tingled and I felt jittery. The innate impulse for fight or flight didn’t seem appropriate. Contrary to my usual cynical demeanour, I was actually looking forward to going out. This is what the lack of a Girlfriend feels like.
Firstly, She might not even go to the record store at all. I have no idea whether She’s even local or not. Secondly, She might go to the shop when I’m not there. Thirdly, even if all the stars aligned and She is there at the same time as me, there is no guarantee that we will engage in any sort of meaningful interaction. Fourthly, and possibly finally, even if that unlikely linear sequence of events actually occurred, there’s no guarantee that such an interaction would prove positive. Having studied logic, probability, statistics and the science of BIG numbers as part of my degree, the odds were stacked heavily against me. However, irrational random anticipation overrules any sort of calculated common sense. Good job I don’t gamble.
And so it turned out. We, the band, dutifully deposited ourselves in Everwax Records at the usual time – the same time that She was there last week – and… She wasn’t there this week.”
Excerpt from Day 32:
“Yay! BIG gig day at The Lost Inn’s ‘dungeon’. I really don’t know why I’m making such a BIG thing out of it. We’ve done loads of gigs before, thirty or forty or so over the last couple of years. By the time we felt that TITA had potential, we already had a few public performances under our collective belts. We hadn’t documented our beginnings very well, which is a shame for my late life autobiography. Best laid plans of hindsight, eh.
I think the reason that this particular gig has gained some extra significance might be because writing about it in my journal helps me to focus and put everything in context. Articulating my thoughts provides me with some clarity previously masked amidst the dissonance of day‑to‑day disorder. Whatever it is that is happening, I am not complaining. Maybe this Diary thing has some motivational value after all.
…
As usual with gigs, once you get on stage, everything becomes an automatic blur. I can’t remember anything about our playing other than the odd bum note sticking out like a sore thumb (to us). It felt like we executed the whole set list in about five minutes. Actually, it was just over an hour but it felt like five minutes. There was no room for self‑indulgent virtuoso showmanship, it’s all about telepathic togetherness and sonic synergy. The feedback from the audience was pretty good and spurred us on. That’s what it’s all about, the reciprocal energy loop. We were stoked. TITA rules, at least in the moment.”
There you go, three snippets for the price of none. Just for clarity, the misspellings and capitalisation of the excerpts are entirely intentional and are a running theme throughout the full chronicle. You may well recognise the similarity of florid flair when comparing the book extracts with CRAVE Guitars’ articles.
That, I am afraid, is all you’re going to get for now. My motive is to provide a teaser with no obvious giveaways to spoil anything. I can only hope this modest modicum of extracts has marginally piqued your curiosity.
“The unpleasant astringent miasma permeated the empty concert hall at The Lost Inn; sweat, stale beer and a mix of other best-left unidentifiable fluids, saturated every pore” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The Good News about ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Being positive, the general premise has hardly changed at all. The synopsis hasn’t changed in the slightest. The protagonists have been fleshed out. Also, the first edit proved that the first draft was pretty much on point, a fact that genuinely surprised me.
Another positive is the strength of the character development and the interrelationships between the main characters. Being hopelessly deluded, there is also a decent ending, a problem faced by far too many novels (and films). All too often, everything is very neatly tied up rendering the resolution unbelievable. Also, far too many stories/plots have a weak ending because decent conclusions are not easy to concoct. No cheap tricks here. When it comes to real life, a person’s experience starts and ends long before and after the period over which the story has been told. The Distortion Diaries covers a defined short period of time in the much longer lives of these 8+ defective characters, so don’t expect perfection. You’ll have to work for satisfaction and fulfilment, but not too hard.
Again, being vain and conceited, I was very surprised that it actually seems to work as a whole and I actually enjoyed reading it while also working on it. I hope that’s a good sign.
“I want to get better at life and then maybe life will get better for me” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
I also have far more material than the story warrants. This provides a great opportunity to ‘overdo’ it and then to execute a brutal edit to leave the strongest core possible. Only then, I hope, will the final cut be robust enough to stand up to scrutiny.
Another positive is that it doesn’t seem to be overly derivative. Yes, there are universal truths about the human condition that have been covered in infinite variety over centuries (and therefore unavoidable here), so it cannot possibly be classified as original or unique. However, I believe it is a fairly fresh approach that doesn’t stick to every storytelling rule that has been complied with before.
While there is little scope for a sequel (or prequel), there are opportunities for a couple of spin‑off stories with which my feeble grey matter has been toying. These ideas are not about Terry but other strange and very different fables. I won’t contemplate putting finger to keyboard on any of those until this one had been done to death. The curse of a fickle creative mind. A lot will depend on how ‘successful’ The Distortion Diaries is, when it has finally been concluded.
“The second best thing that can happen to a man is a good woman. The best that can happen to a man, however, is a bad woman. The worst thing that can happen to a man is no woman” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
The Not So Good News about ‘The Distortion Diaries’
Principally, the project has taken far too long to bring to fruition, which has been a constant frustration over the months. The gestation period has become tiresome, as it isn’t my ‘day job’. This isn’t because of lack of enthusiasm or interest; it has been a purely practical failing on my part to prioritise it sufficiently in the face of other unavoidable responsibilities.
I have now accepted that it is a slow process and have become less anxious about progress. It will take its own time and it will probably be better for it. I cannot afford the mental stress of pressuring myself to do it quicker. Better late than never, as ‘they’ say.
Then there are the practical hurdles. An independent editor would no doubt improve the end product. However, I do not want anyone else to change anything. I do not want it to be perfectly polished. I actually want it to be rough around the edges. I don’t want it to be like every other highly processed piece of prose. I want my own mistakes to be present in it; the many apparent flaws are an integral part of its charm, just as a genuine journal would be. These are imperfect people and they should be seen distorted through Terry’s defective lens. I want it to come across as if Terry had actually lived to tell his tale his way. I do not know of a single genuine diary or journal that has been crawled over by editors and proof readers to eradicate inconsistencies and errors. It is a bit like museum grade vintage guitars, something can be ‘too good’ to enjoy.
Another hurdle is self‑publication. I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I have limited funds, so I cannot pay for someone to do it on my behalf. I also do not want to go through the ordeal of pleading to agents for attention with the associated high risk of rejection – my fragile ego couldn’t cope being subject to the critical whims of others not invested in the project. Neither do I want the end product to be managed beyond my ability to influence the outcome. As a bit of a control freak (Ed: No kidding!), I don’t appreciate being beholden to anyone else. Such interference is simply unacceptable to me. I really do not give a damn about what agents, publishers and editors think. They can make their parasitical living off someone else. I only care what I think and what genuine readers might think, warts ‘n’ all.
So, even if I get over the hurdle of writing, editing, agents and publishing, then there are the formidable challenges of printing, marketing, distribution, sales and promotion. Everything about the whole process is set against this being any sort of success, regardless of any literary merit. Even if it is a worthy story, it could fail at any of these key points.
The Distortion Diaries is a personal folly and commercial success is not a prerequisite for a satisfactory outcome. If only one or two people read it and get some ephemeral pleasure from it, I shall be content. My aspirations in this regard are very modest and humble. A bit like my ambitions for CRAVE Guitars as an undertaking.
As previously mentioned, I did toy with the idea of serialising The Distortion Diaries on the CRAVE Guitars’ web site. However, it wouldn’t really work and it would blur the lines between the two discrete ‘projects’. The novel’s material is also not appropriate for a vintage guitar showcase. So, that is not gonna happen. Decided.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had my heart broken. It really doesn’t sound like it’s something I’d want to try out” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
Final Thoughts about ‘The Distortion Diaries’
You may have gathered that I remain excited about this particularly narcissistic venture. The fact that the enthusiasm has endured since December 2023 without waning in the slightest suggests that there is something worth pursuing. I remain concerned about two things. The first I have mentioned many times, which is making sufficient time and space to complete the writing process. Put simply, the more time I spend on article writing, the less time there is for The Distortion Diaries. The second, as mentioned above, is the complications of getting the final product out there for people to judge. In these technological days, it really should be simpler.
One thing I am absolutely certain about is that this is not a literary masterpiece. It will not be ‘a great British novel’. Neither will it be a monotonous churning out of tedious, derivative drivel (Ed: Are you sure about that?). It was never intended to be an exemplar of literary excellence and that has not changed. However, it is a heartfelt and genuine attempt to be a bit different and to produce something that may be of moderate interest to others. While it breaks many rules, it isn’t revolutionary. It is what it is, an earnest first attempt.
I have mentioned before, and need to reiterate now, that this dedicated ‘labour of love’ (NB. an idiom that has been used to describe various forms of artistic expressions. Its first appearance in English was in the King James Bible, published in 1611, although it may have originated in pre‑medieval times), is NOT autobiographical. It is, though, impossible not to draw, and to isolate the final product, from one’s own life experiences.
Another thing about writing this month’s article was, once again, to test the waters, to challenge my own notions and to reinforce my beliefs about whether this is something I want to dedicate a serious amount of time to. The act of writing about it is, in itself, a reality check and I am pleased to say that it has passed scrutiny without serious mishap (so far). I am still reticent and uncertain about how to turn a good intention into a great reality.
One might wonder why I want to publish a fiction novel in the first place. That’s a difficult question to answer. None of the oft‑used reasons – and there may be dozens of them – resonate with me, such as a desire for storytelling, personal growth, confidence building, compulsion, social impact, sharing, competitiveness, proving something, self‑learning, self‑aggrandisement, income, attention seeking, legacy, etc. Quite simply, it is something that I would like to do. Simples.
Bottom line. Will it ever see the light of day? I hope so, ceteris paribus, but probably not. This article is intended to commit myself to completing the process to the best of my ability or I will look like a complete dumbass for boasting about it and then not delivering. Wish me luck.
If, perchance, it was ever made into a film, the location could conceivably be relocated to somewhere, say, in New England (comprising, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Vermont).
“The confusing interplay of human emotions and motives – when you think about it – is magnificently messy and chaotic, not at all organised or logical, it is an unreality existing in an artificially real world. There is no universal harmony in life’s experience” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Album of the Month’
Given the subject matter this month, we have to delve into the creative aspects of Terry and his bandmates aspirations. During that fateful year of 2012, The Imaginary Transtemporal Affair (TITA) was working hard on live performance and recording ideas for the first of many albums that they intend to define their career. Entirely a fictional construct, this month’s distorted accolade goes to…
The Imaginary Transtemporal Affair – TITA Om Fyah (2012): The ill‑fated debut studio album from The Imaginary Transtemporal Affair has never been released on TITA Records, although the material exists and the artwork completed (see below). Comprising eight tracks over 72 minutes, the atmospheric aural adventures of unrealised potential evoke a mantra of melancholy and a more than a trace of transcendence. The epic ‘everything lasts for never’ (track 5, running time 6:41) is a firm band and fan favourite. File under HMSPGSALFGGSR music.
If only I had the talent, motivation, drive, skills and time to concoct this album for real, I would do it without hesitation. I wouldn’t change the band name, album title or track list one iota (NB. No, not the 9th letter of the Greek alphabet). It would be great – I have to believe that. For now, progressing the novel is the main focus. One day, maybe the music behind it will be realised. I have a futile fantasy that someone will pick up the book and make it into a film and this album would become the original soundtrack to the movie. Now, precisely where is that fateful Crossroads that blues guitarist Robert Johnson famously made a deal with the devil? In the meantime, while I still have a soul, I can dream.
BELIEVE IN MUSIC!
“The earworm rented out the vacant lot in my brain’s auditory processing, easier to put on repeat than shuffle” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
Tailpiece
Once again, I have regressed into writing about writing, for which I apologise post hoc. While I am genuinely enthusiastic by this egocentric recklessness, I can readily understand why it might be too far off the well‑trod vintage guitar topic to be of interest for CRAVE Guitars’ readers. Further obsequious apologies. Even I need a break from vintage guitars once in a while.
As Terry remarks in, ‘The Distortion Diaries’, “I am only superficial on the surface after all”.
For now, I seem to have run out of ideas for next month’s article but I’m sure I’ll come up with something to distract me from reality for a few minutes. In the meantime, a final word or thirty from ‘The Distortion Diaries’ sagacious hero…
“Engaging with Women of the opposite Sex is a bit like engaging an enemy in strategic warfare. It seems I don’t have even a modest grasp of basic battlefield tactics” – Terry (The Distortion Diaries)
For once, CRAVE Guitars’ regular ‘Quote of the Month’ (see below) is extremely relevant to the ambitious subject matter of the main article. I do hope you’ve enjoyed this minor detour in the course of unreal life and that you will come back and ‘see’ me again sometime soon.
Truth, peace, love, and guitar music be with you always. The CRAVEman, signing off. Until next time…
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Quote of the Month’: “The finish line may be in sight but is it within reach?”
GRACIOUS GREETINGS FROM YOUR HUMOROULSY HEARTY HOST. Yup. Welcome once again to a freshly minted monthly monologue for late July, high summer in the northern hemispherical portion of our little floating blue sphere. This month is something entirely new (and therefore, by inference, different), as well as a tad flippant. I thought you might like to know a little bit more about the character behind the CRAVE Guitars brand – the founder, owner, proprietor, curator, manager, roadie, mail man, web designer, social media guru, lackey and tea boy. Well, tough, I aim to remain firmly in the background, anonymous and intentionally inscrutable, letting the vintage guitar gear stand proud, front and centre, just it should.
“Everyone needs something to aim for. You can call it a challenge, or you can call it a goal. It is what makes us human. It was challenges that took us from being cavemen to reaching for the stars” – Richard Branson (1950‑)
In my May article, I briefly perplexed about a collective noun for vintage guitar collecting, collectors and vintage guitars. I then suggested that, perhaps, it is time for someone to create a name for vintage guitar collectors, suggesting, somewhat whimsically but definitely not seriously, CRAVE‑o‑holic or CRAVE‑o‑phile? CRAVE‑atalist or CRAVE‑ologist maybe? No? How about Cuitarchivist, Guitarcheologist, Guitarchitect? NB. Full disclosure: admittedly those last three were not my ideas – credit goes to the originators for getting there before me. While that topic isn’t the subject of this month’s article, it did provide some fondly flirtatious food for thought.
However, the thought of an extension of CRAVE Guitars tenacious tentacles into new nooks and crannies occurred to my feeble brainium and led, rather circuitously, to this month’s subject matter. (NB. ‘Nook and cranny’ is a medieval English idiom when castles were built with hidden passages and secret rooms. People would search for small spaces, hiding places or escape routes concealed within castle walls.)
I thought this month’s article would be mercifully brief so that I could concentrate on ‘The Distortion Diaries’. However, as usual, I got distracted by the subject matter and progress on the novel has been slower than article preparation. Sigh.
“Everything has changed, but the process of telling a story has not changed. It’s like cavemen sitting around the fire; somebody’s going to tell the story. Somebody is drawing on the wall. You’re communicating. You’re trying to learn and teach at the same time. You’re your own student and you’re your own teacher, but the process is of the communicating” – Stanley Kubrick (1928‑1999)
Introducing… The CRAVEman Cometh
Prepare your souls for flowery prose. Taking a tangential turn, this month I am introducing my avatar, my double, my alter ego, my twin, my clone, my doppelgänger, my alternate personality (or at least one of them). So, without further ado, it’s time to say “hi” to ‘el jefe’, the prehistorically‑minded guitar‑wielding (axe‑wielding?) titular representative and future front man for CRAVE Guitars; ‘The CRAVEman’. Geddit?
These vestigial thoughts conveniently coincided with a humorous and harmonious messaging exchange with a close friend and the idea of The CRAVEman came to the fore. It was not so much an epiphany, more a lucid realisation that I could justifiably BE someone else, just for CRAVE Guitars’ expanding brand image. Much more interesting than the prospect of boring reality, eh?
“This is a story of long, long ago, when the world was just beginning… A young world, a world early in the morning of time. A hard, unfriendly world. Creatures who sit and wait. Creatures who must kill to live. And man, superior to the creatures only in his cunning” – Narrator from the motion picture, ‘One Million Years B.C.’ (1966)
The CRAVEman moniker wasn’t intended to describe a collective noun, particularly as it is used in the singular, traditionally gender bipartite fashion (apologies to the politically correct woke). However, he was created figuratively to take on the role as your esteemed narrator of CRAVE Guitar blog articles. Thus, a fantastical formulation of an indulgent irrational idea coalesced into coherency.
“There are not many men yet. Just a few tribes scattered across the wilderness. Never venturing far, unaware that other tribes exist even. Too busy with their own lives to be curious. Too frightened of the unknown to wander. Their laws are simple: the strong take everything” – Narrator from the motion picture, ‘One Million Years B.C.’ (1966)
Now, for the avid musicologists out there, the word ‘Craveman’ (note the lack of the definite article and the traditional form of capitalisation) has been used previously (see ‘CRAVE Guitars’ Album of the Month’ below). However, this article’s particular incarnation is, I believe, sufficiently differentiated and unique enough to be adopted legitimately by CRAVE Guitars.
“Visual storytelling of one kind or another has been around since cavemen were drawing on the walls” – Frank Darabont (1959‑)
Evolution of The CRAVEman Cometh
While my true identity remains vehemently enigmatic, I am happy to hide behind a virtual caricature. While I may generally portray myself as a contemporary, relatively evolved metrosexual (male) human bean, the vaguely humorous play on words refers not only to CRAVE Guitars but also to Homo Sapien’s genetic Palaeolithic ancestors. Just for clarification, I don’t believe that I conform to the stereotypical Stone Age clichés of a prehistoric caveman (with or without a guitar). Grunt!
“Nnn?” – The character Loana played by Raquel Welch in the motion picture, ‘One Million Years B.C.’ (1966)
However, it can be amusing to conform to or to subvert stereotypes, if only to reinforce prejudicial preconceptions. Grunt! I have to state for the record, that The CRAVEman is a loving, peaceful individual, reticent to engage in aggression, thus representing an archetype for a semi‑civilised new age Stone Age hippy. He may even partake of a little bud from the flowering plant, Cannabis sativa for an occaional chill out. Legend. He doesn’t need a spear or a club, just one of his many trusty CRAVE Guitars and a healthy respect for his environment. Grunt! (Ed: OK, we get the idea, move on)
“I think that weddings have probably been crashed since the beginning of time. Cavemen crashed them. You go to meet girls. It makes sense” – Christopher Walken (1943‑)
The use of AI for The Craveman Cometh
As you may know, CRAVE Guitars has dabbled with the subject of artificial intelligence (AI) before. For background information, CRAVE Guitars’ focused on AI generally and in relation to vintage guitars last year (2024). A bit has changed over the course of 12+ months. If you wish to view or review the material, follow the links below (each link opens in a new tab):
While this article is principally about The CRAVEman, the use of AI to illustrate him is simply a convenient means to the storytelling end. The short video clip of The CRAVEman (see below) is also my first venture into AI video. Good to know that the technology is being used for altruistically enhancing human civilisation, eh?
The upside is that there are plenty of images this month. While I consider myself a reasonably creative character, my artistic skills remain woefully under‑developed, so I admit that I resorted to AI image generation for the majority of visual representations this month. Apologies to all genuine artists out there, I simply can’t afford your authenticity. While the images look very much of their type (still not convinced), they serve a specific purpose here, to conjure up and to evoke The CRAVEman avatar in the collective consciousness within the growing CRAVE Guitars virtual space (Ed: The CRAVEverse then?). Time to stop with the prosaic narrative and enter CRAVEworld. Ready or not, here he is (finally), The CRAVEman Cometh.
“Women love hairy men. Cavemen were the sexiest men in history” – Leslie Mann (1972‑)
The Adventures of the CRAVEman Cometh
On this occasion folks, I am going to let you, the reader(s), do the hard work for once. Also unusually, the majority of this article is pictorial and the ‘story’, as such, is essentially just a series of captions for you to use your imagination and fill in the intentional blanks.
To set the scene, I may need to suggest a bit of factual context about the world within which The CRAVEman might exist. This is necessary if only to provide a rich background stage on which he can perform his adventures for you.
“Captain CAAAAAVEMANNNN!” – Captain Caveman (animated character voiced by Mel Blanc, 1977‑1980)
Imagine the life and times of The CRAVEman in the Upper Palaeolithic Era (c.50,000‑9,600BCE), which was notable for its significant increase in the diversity and complexity of community organisation. It also saw the emergence of artistic endeavour, such as cave paintings and carvings, indicating a marked development in primitive culture beyond the immediate necessities of survival.
Early humans primarily lived as nomadic hunter‑gatherers. They relied on hunting wild animals and gathering edible plants, both of which required a good understanding of their surroundings. The roaming lifestyle of social groups was essential, as they followed animal migrations, seasonal plant growth and climate.
Nascent human societies were typically organised in small groups or bands, with a relatively simple division of labour. Men often hunted for food and defended their group, while women gathered plants and cared for children. Resources were shared communally, as part of a generally egalitarian but still hierarchical paternalistic social structure.
The development of basic tools included the use of materials like bone, antler and stone, which became crucial for survival. Tools were used for various tasks, including butchering animals, cutting plants and crafting other implements. The mastery of fire also began to play a significant part in daily life, providing warmth, protection and a means to cook food. The Palaeolithic (the Old Stone Age) was followed by the Mesolithic and Neolithic (Middle and New Stone Ages respectively) periods, characterised by the development of permanent settlements, the rise of agriculture and the domestication of animals.
“Man is a tool-using animal. Without tools he is nothing, with tools he is all” – Thomas Carlyle (1795‑1881)
Now for the small but essential matter of the suspension of disbelief. Please bear with me while I veer away from verisimilitude. The premise is a blatant, intentionally clumsy and cartoonish cultural and chronological clash (Ed: alliteration abounds!). The plucky, fantastical CRAVEman collects and plays (electric) guitars (now vintage of course)! He also plays in a rock (sic!) band. Sadly for him, he doesn’t seem to have a CRAVEwife, or CRAVEgirlfriend (yet), not even a CRAVEgroupie or three. Just don’t ask too many awkward questions about coherence or attempt to rationalise the incongruities, ignored here for artistic license – just go with the flow and use your imagination. Get the general idea though? G‑G‑g‑great! Let’s get stoned (sic!).
Think of the pictorial sequence as a chronologically linear ‘storyline’ progression, whether portraying a day, a week, a month, a year, etc. and you begin to get the CRAVEworld concept (Ed: time to record a prog album?). When following The Adventures of The CRAVEman Cometh, think along the lines of comic strip panels minus the unnecessary narrative ‘speech bubbles’ – well, our prehistoric ancestors’ vocabulary was a bit, erm, stunted, at best. I’m sure you can apply the occasional, “grunt!” if you wish to supplement the visuals with auditory accents. Alternatively, the following could be thought of as a rough storyboard outline for a motion picture film screenplay (if only).
The opportunities for The CRAVEman imaginings are boundless. I wish I had the time, effort and genuine creativity to make a proper ‘thing’ of this particular spinoff. Remember though that The CRAVEman Cometh and his story is now undeniably CRAVE Guitars’ IP.
“I work hard all day, too, and what do I get? A lot of yak from you. You at least get out everyday, see things, talk to people. I never get out of this cave” – Wilma Flintstone from ‘The Flintstones’ (1960‑1966)
A Day/Week/Month/Year in the Life of The CRAVEman
About time too! Let us prevaricate, procrastinate, beat about the bush, dilly dally, delay and obfuscate no longer. We are about to embark on the positively pulchritudinous prehistoric adventures of The CRAVEman. Settle in and enjoy.
New Dawn Sunrise – Having recently roused from his Stone Age slumbers, dreams of being a Rock God left long behind, The CRAVEman looks out upon CRAVEworld, his immense territorial domain as the sun rises on a shiny brand new day. It looks promising weather for undertaking his intended tasks for the day ahead. His role is to ensure his tribe’s survival in a testing world.
Neighbourly Greeting – Prior to heading out on his daily mission, he engages amiably with his thriving social group. Relationships are largely cordial, marred only by lusty competition for unattached CRAVEgirls. The CRAVEman agrees the imperatives and priorities for the day’s assignment.
Ready To Head Out – Having readied himself for his daily quest, The CRAVEman mentally prepares himself for whatever challenges he is likely to face in the wilderness. A moment of serious reflection taken as he formulates a basic plan to make the most of the opportunities available to him.
Outbound Commute – Having long since exhausted all available resources close to home, The CRAVEman has to travel further afield to find what he and his group needs. Fortunately, his domesticated heavy horse makes crossing distance and uneven terrain easier. His faithful hound accompanies him.
Rocky Mountain Way Snowy Explorer – On a lengthy expedition, The CRAVEman has to cross a challenging and unfamiliar landscape including hostile snow and ice high up in the mountains. The grunting weather is severe. Unsure what he might find, he sets out on foot to explore.
Fishing in Bear Country – After the mountain pass, The CRAVEman descends into a valley carved out by river erosion, He attempts to use his crude tools to catch any fish that may swim past, taking care to avoid other predators after the same quarry in this area of nutritional abundance. Grunting bears!
Mammoth Hunting on the Plain – Having not caught much in the way of fish from the river valley, The CRAVEman heads out onto the plains in the hope of hunting larger game. The massive mammoths he encounters are more than he can take on alone. Onward he goes, leaving the prospect of grunting mammoth steaks for another day.
Faraway Foraging in the Grassland – Having been unsuccessful hunting fish and animal prey on the plains, The CRAVEman resorts to the grasslands on the edge of ancient woodland to forage for edible plants and berries to take back to his kinfolk. He cannot go home empty handed.
Defending the Tribe – Every so often, The CRAVEman’s group encounters other tribes, each determined to defend their own territory. Rarely do these grunting confrontations end in conflict. There is plenty of posturing and shows of power intended to sustain a status quo. Occasionally, tribes come together for competitive but friendly rock band competitions.
Homebound Commute – After a long day’s travails exploring in the mountains, fishing in river valleys, hunting on the plains, foraging in grassland and defending his community from interlopers, a weary The CRAVEman heads homeward on his trusty heavy horse with his faithful dog in close pursuit.
Cooking Pot Blues – Having secured enough food for his contribution to his community’s sustenance, The CRAVEman prepares and cooks his own meal. He would have preferred a meatier and tastier menu but grunting plant food will have to do on this occasion. A tad disappointed, he plays a lugubrious lament while waiting for his supper to stew.
Rock Guitar Practice – Knowing that he has some serious performance time ahead of him, The CRAVEman cannot let up on practicing his hard rock music chops. It takes all his concentration to keep his musical talents up to scratch.
Big Cat Interruption – What the grunt! No peace for the wicked. The CRAVEman’s guitar practice is rudely interrupted by a familiar local big kitty. He may look fearsome but that is just playful exuberance. There is mutual benefit to the tribe and their ‘pet’ feline’s informal collaboration.
Rock Guitar Practice Resumed – Having settled the big kitty down for a cat nap, The CRAVEman can resume his studious guitar practice in readiness for a forthcoming rock gig. More hard work. The demands and burdens of a Stone Age Rock God never ceases.
Rock Band Rehearsal – Having been through his intensive practice regime, The CRAVEman sets about gathering his rock band members together for an impromptu rock & rock rehearsal. Unrealised aspirations of Rock Godness abound and rehearsals go well, if a bit chaotic. Lyrics are certainly not their strong point! Grunt!
Rock Festival Rain – For grunt’s sake! It had to happen, The CRAVEman’s band gets to play an outdoor gig and it grunting well rains on them mid performance, thinning what little crowd they had gathered to listen and appreciate his guitar playing skills. A typical rock festival experience over the ages. A veritable Stone Age Glastonbury experience. Grunting bad weather.
Cave Painting – In order to commemorate The CRAVEman’s contribution to his small community, the local rock ‘journalist’ does his best as a pictographic designer. He poses while the artist attempts to immortalise the would‑be rock legend in a cave painting. Like lyric writing, our merry group’s portrait skills leave something to be desired.
Over The Sea and Far Away Sunset – At long last, The CRAVEman’s long and arduous day draws closer to its inevitable conclusion. He’s up on a nearby cliff admiring CRAVEworld’s beautiful sunset over the infinite sea. The preternatural landscape inspires The CRAVEman to compose his next rock song.
Campfire Singalong – Although darkness has settled on the Stone Age camp, The CRAVEman’s musical skills are still much in need by his loyal troupe. He sits contentedly around the campfire grunting rock lullabies for a period of important social bonding between genders and generations.
Fireside Rock Jam – Once the rock kids have gone to their caves for night time slumbers, The CRAVEman continues his musical explorations. No more intense solo practice, band rehearsal or campfire lullabies, this is pure rock music noodling for his own pleasure. Jamming for fun helps him to unwind before retiring for the night.
Dreaming of Stone Age Rock Godness – Finally laying his weary head down to rest, The CRAVEman falls into a deep sleep with his favourite axe and his faithful canine companion both by his side. He dreams of becoming an eternal Rock God, immortalised forever for his contributions to Stone Age rock & rock music. Dream on.
Well there you have him – The CRAVEman’s first adventures in CRAVEworld in a proverbial nutshell. Short and sweet. If you don’t dig The CRAVEman’s adventures, that’s fine.
“Yabba Dabba Doo!” – Fred Flintstone from the first episode of ‘The Flintstones’, ‘The Flintstone Flyer’ (1960)
Final Thoughts on The CRAVEman Cometh
A quick rhetorical question, why didn’t this preposterous notion occur to me before now? The simple answer is that, in hindsight, I really don’t know. Nevertheless, I feel obliged at this particular juncture to restate that this month’s article is only a bit of puerile FUN and a break from the more serious ‘business‑as‑usual’ task of writing about vintage guitars. Heck, we all have to set loose our inner hirsute hero from time to time (NB. from time to time is an English idiom dating back to at least the 16th Century, meaning intermittently/occasionally). On this occasion, the author’s mental aberration has played out in the public domain. As usual, if you don’t like what you see here, there are plenty of other places that are after a temporal slice of your precious life.
My intention is not to require a following but to welcome those who wish to participate actively in something occasionally a little bit odd (?!). Life would be very dull without a degree of dalliance with the deviant (as long as it is harmless of course). Disclaimer, no animals (extinct or surviving) were harmed during the making of The Adventures of The CRAVEman Cometh.
“If there hadn’t been women we’d still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends” – Orson Welles (1915‑1985)
You may wonder what all this has to do with vintage guitars. Fair comment. Well, it is relevant by association. There would be no The CRAVEman without CRAVE Guitars and there would be no CRAVE Guitars without vintage guitars and its increasingly peculiar proprietor. Being quite frank (poor Frank comes in for a lot of stick, don’t you think?), I just cannot be bothered to justify this devious detour any further. It is what it is, like it or not. I kinda dig The CRAVEman dude, hence his appearance. Looking back, I still wonder why it took so long.
“Grunt!” – The CRAVEman (The Upper Palaeolithic, c.50,000‑9,600BCE)
Whether this little existential experiment bears further fruit, one can only speculate at this stage. He may return to obscurity or he may flourish in abundance. All is up for grabs at the moment. I kinda think he might stick around. He may even appear at a CRAVErock‑gig or CRAVErock‑festival near, where else, Stonehenge. He may even go CRAVEbusking at a stone circle near you.
“The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization” – Sigmund Freud (1856‑1939)
Is there any profound meaning or ancestral resemblance between The CRAVEman and me? Personally, I do not believe so, which makes him all the more endearing – he is not bound in any way by my ephemeral mortal manifestation. Put bluntly, I am (we are) perfectly comfortable and at ease with multiple identities – no mental disorder involved, honest. Seriously, for a moment though, look after your mental health and well‑being good people. This article has not featured any images of actual vintage guitars so, finally, here is a complimentary pic of The CRAVEman with his own CRAVE Guitars collection…
The Real CRAVE Cave
After reading all this, one might think that it is 100% fiction. However, there is an itsy‑bitsy, teeny‑weeny, tiny trace of truth behind an element of the story. The CRAVEman‑cave does actually exist. Kinda. The dark, damp, dilapidated cellar of the domestic house is the would‑be home for today’s actual CRAVE Guitars family.
Regular readers will know that this has been a long‑gestating project to ‘tank’ the cellar to create a dry, warm and secure home for vintage gear. Progress has been hindered by access, technical issues and, the big, big biggy, lack of funds. So there you go, there is a smidgeon of veracity to the story. The above is the real thing, No AI this time.
“Once you were apes, yet even now man is more of an ape than any of the apes” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844‑1900)
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Album of the Month’
Given this month’s reveal of the author’s newly assumed nom de guerre, ‘The CRAVEman’, it seemed appropriate that this month’s ‘Album of the Month’ should reflect an LP with an analogous title. I should emphasise here that there is no connection between CRAVE Guitars and the name of the album or its artist; it is merely coincidental and totally unintentional. However, there is no reason why this convenient happenstance should be overlooked for this article.
Ted Nugent – Craveman’ (2002): Ted Nugent’s 12th studio album, ‘Craveman’ was released in September 2002 on Spitfire Records. The album comprises 14 tracks over 56 minutes. Even the 2nd track is titled, ‘Crave’, lasting a monumental 6 minutes 19 seconds. Perhaps he knew I was coming! The album represents Nugent’s return to the power trio format and a more hard rock sound than previous outings. It was released five years before CRAVE Guitars became a ‘thing’ and twenty three years before The CRAVEman, so I guess he got there first.
Ted Nugent’s ‘Craveman’ is not my favourite guitar album but it’s OK I guess. However, it fits the bill for this illustrative purpose. At least it is a heavier, guitar‑centric rock album after unconvincing periods of synth pop/rock ballad material.
The music is one thing. The character behind it is another. There is no way to avoid the association. Nugent’s music will always be overshadowed by his political notoriety. There is no denying that Nugent is a controversial larger‑than‑life, take‑it‑or‑leave‑it personality and also a pretty good guitarist to boot.
Full disclosure; I have to state that and I do not agree with Mr Nugent’s political alignments, his racial stances, his propensity for gun ownership and his predisposition for slaughtering innocent animals for ‘fun’. In 2021, he stepped down from the board of directors of the NRA (the American National Rifle Association gun rights advocacy and lobby group that campaigns in defence of the USA’s out‑dated second amendment). Owning a gun is one thing, using it as a lethal weapon to kill living creatures is another. This is not an expression of any sort of liberal woke agenda, it is just a heartfelt compassion and an expression of respect for all life on our planet.
BELIEVE IN MUSIC!
“The human failing I would most like to correct is aggression. It may have had survival advantage in caveman days, to get more food, territory or a partner with whom to reproduce, but now it threatens to destroy us all” – Stephen Hawking (1942‑2018)
Tailpiece
Well that was fun and insane in equal measure! Dumbass? Has CRAVE lost his final marble? Too much? Maybe. Maybe not. You decide. So we bid au revoir,adios,ciao and garrulous grunts from ‘The CRAVEman’ for now. Time for The CRAVEman Goeth, so to speak. I have a funny feeling that he may well return at some point in some guise or other. To mix metaphors, there is no turning back now as the genie is out of the bottle. You have been warned. A final thought… fundamentally, aren’t we all just cave men and cave women with fancy modern lifestyle trappings? Grunt!
Ultimately, as stated above, this month’s article is all just a bit of silly FUN and (at least for me) a welcome break from the norm. As a terribly telegraphed trifling tip‑off, the fictional fancies herein may just beckon a peripheral subject matter for next month’s article. So let’s wish our precious lives away and bring on August 2025 to wait and see what transpires. At the top of the article, I promised you flowery language. I think that promise was delivered in spades (NB. Another 20th Century English idiom probably referring to the spades in a pack of cards, the dominant suit used in contract bridge. It means for something to be done beyond the norm).
Let us hope we survive long enough to endure the preposterous perils of perverted, paranoid power crazed people. Civilisation and our precious planet have been irrevocably scarred under the pretext of ‘progress’ and unconscionable conflict. Sadly. When will the moral majority stand up collectively to the corrupted and say, “no more!” before it is too late? It cannot come too soon. Apologies, didactic discourse for the month over… for now.
Truth, peace, love, and guitar music be with you always. Until next time…
CRAVE Guitars’ ‘Quote of the Month’: “They say only time will tell. When that time comes, will there be anyone around to listen?”
